hi again…

It has been forever since I’ve been on this blog and so it took me a while to even find the login info for it. But, I was reminded about my blog recently and so I came back on and was reading through all my old posts and…dude, I’m so dramatic LOL

All of my posts were so thoughtfully and carefully written out and they all had to flow and be so eloquent, and I think in a way, that reflects me. I was always so careful of how I presented myself and how I looked and how I spoke and how I acted. And not to say that it’s that much different now, but I’ve gotten better at it I think. If I’m being honest with myself, of course I still care and and am very much self-conscious, but it’s a bit less than when I was in high school and college. It almost feels like I’ve shed this layer of my self-consciousness and chosen to accept that whoever accepts me as I am, I will continue to pursue friendship with, and if not, then that’s that.

All this to say…I will word vomit on here more frequently, not in an eloquent or well-thought out manner, but just my emotions and thoughts as they come…which was my initial goal with this blog. There has been so much that has happened, and particularly lately, my emotions have been coming in overwhelming waves and in those moments, I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about it, but if I don’t let it out, it feels like it’ll consume me and I don’t know what to do. So maybe I’ll just let it all out here {also because I used to physically journal, but it hurts my hand to write that much and typing is way easier}. This blog was dormant for a few years, but here’s to starting it up and saying hi again…

Tiny

There are days {which have increased in number lately} when I just feel insignificant and small. While in the grand scheme of life and the universe that is not an incorrect observation, I definitely feel it not in the wow I’m in awe of the grandeur of life and more in the what the hell am I doing with my life kind of small making this observation just plain…well, sucky. I’ve just been feeling sucky about myself and my life in general a lot lately and wallowing in it so here is a rambling of thoughts pieced together into a somewhat poetic attempt of a blog post to try and release some of these sucky emotions into the world without really having to address any of it actually. Oh and also to forever memorialize the fact that the Eunice of right now felt ever so insignificant and small…actually tiny, in this very moment in hopes that future Eunice, who will overcome this {hopefully}, will look back and chuckle. {Maybe giggle because I don’t think I’ve ever actually chuckled before.}

Fatal Flaw

Is there something wrong with me?

It’s 1:57AM and I can’t seem to get that question off my mind. But more than the question itself, it’s the answer that scares me; the fact that the answer will be yes.

The common denominator is you, not them. It’s happened so many times it must be your fault. It’s the same outcome every time therefore it has to be you and your line of thinking. If you keep hearing from multiple people the same thing then shouldn’t you think that maybe it is you and that you should try and change?

Is what they’re saying right? I have my reasons and they were valid I thought. I thought that I made sense and that it was right at the time but what if I’m wrong? Is there really something utterly wrong with me? I don’t know…

Internal Struggles

It’s been 4 months since I’ve graduated college, a little over a month since I’ve officially finished undergrad, and almost 3 months since I’ve been unemployed. Everyone seems to ask me how life is going lately and my generic response is always, “Oh I’m doing fine. It’s kind of tough job hunting and it’s kind of a struggle not worrying about my future, but it’s okay!” with a smile and the whole shebang.

Well it’s more than kind of tough and more than kind of a struggle not to worry about my future and it has been such a battle to remain “positive.” It has been hard staying home day after day doing not very much and feeling quite unproductive. Well that’s your fault Eunice, you just need to make the most out of your day. Okay, well…I suppose that is my struggle, but I don’t see myself going out that often and even when I spend a good chunk of my day applying to jobs or researching grad programs and whatever else, I still don’t feel as if I’ve accomplished anything. I’m short tempered and lash out a lot at my family lately; I get frustrated with every little thing and I see these things but can’t seem to make amends. I spend a lot of time lately just cleaning the house because then I can physically see the outcome of my efforts. With everything else, not so much.

I don’t know…I’ve just been struggling a lot lately and today it just all kind of reached a boiling point. It boiled over and kind of ended up everywhere and now it’s a mess and I’m not sure what to do. I know that these feelings and all of these negative thoughts I’m having aren’t truths and that they aren’t right and yet I can’t seem to get past it in this moment.

This is why I am writing this out. For me to look back upon later and for me just to gather my thoughts. Also to remind myself how thankful I am for the few close friends I have that I can vent and cry to and still be accepted and affirmed in truths even if they don’t hit home right at the moment.

This is to my future self: you’ll look back and think back to this moment of frustration and self-loathing and hopefully you’ll think of how silly you were. Until then, let’s try your hardest to be okay.

A Desperate Plea from a Dreamer

This is a long blog post. If you want the crux of it, just skip down to the bottom and read the last two paragraphs. But please read it. 

I am undocumented.

I am a DACA recipient.

I am a Christian.

I am an Asian American immigrant.

The four aforementioned statements are four huge facets of my identity and my life. Yet in light of recent events, I find these facets of my life no longer in harmony, but rather in confusion and chaos.

President Trump announced on Tuesday his administration’s decision to rescind DACA, the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals Act, that protected and provided a way of living, of thriving, for some 800,000 immigrants. I am a recipient of DACA and I have been a recipient of DACA since 2013. What does that mean? This means that for the first time in my life, I received a social security number that allowed me to apply for a drivers license at the age of 18. I received for the first time, a work permit, that allowed me to actually get a legitimate job. It allowed me to no longer be afraid of being deported because it provided me with protection against deportation for at least two years. This is what is being taken away from DACA recipients now.

It is extremely difficult to process and this is something that is not to be taken lightly. This is not something to make light of or even to attempt to joke about. This is something that directly affects and has the power to completely restructure the future of my life. Does that sound dramatic? Sure. But it actually is that big of a deal. That being said, it hurts as an Asian American, Christian, undocumented citizen, that the very community that I identify myself with and love, doesn’t seem to have much empathy or care for this situation I find myself in.

Is this topic controversial? Yes. Is this topic uncomfortable? Yes. But does that mean that it should be ignored and brushed aside with a simple “Oh but you’ll be okay. Don’t worry.” Absolutely not. 

As someone who is Asian American, I know that so many times, we are quick to sideline ourselves in controversial topics and not say anything because it’s uncomfortable.  So many times, we are quick to brush aside these topics and not even address them because we simply don’t feel like it. I’m guilty of this too.

As someone who identifies herself as a Christian, I know that we are quick to pray for natural disasters around the world and offer relief. We are quick to state that we love and care for all those that are hurting and that is the ideology of Christianity – to love all.

Yet, why is it, that when I find myself hurting and aching and so in need of the support of my immigrant community and my Christian community, that there is not very much support to be found? Why is it that my Christian community, the very community that professes its love and care and empathy for everyone and every situation stands stoically silent on the topic?

I’m not stating that every Asian American and Christian are like this, but I’m saying this in general from what I have experienced this past week. I know that there are many who do care and express that, but there are far more who don’t. And that troubles me.

As an undocumented citizen, as a DACA recipient, I am desperately pleading with you, if you have had the immense blessing of becoming a citizen/permanent resident or are a natural born citizen and this recent legislation does not affect you, do not be indifferent to those around you that it does affect. Please, would you not choose to be ignorant? We know that there isn’t anything you can physically do and we know that you don’t quite understand what we are going through and that is okay. But would you be willing to even admit that? Would you be willing to educate yourself and even attempt to know? Would you be willing to sit and simply listen? Would you be willing to simply be there? We don’t want your pity; we don’t want your sympathy; we want your empathy. We want you to show us that you care. Because honestly, that makes all the difference. Simply understand that they are hurting. Simply understand that they are in a state of uncertainty and anxiety and that no matter the 6 month delay or the promise of the Trump administration not to take action on already valid DACA recipients for the next two years, there is still uncertainty. 

Please, please, please. As a Dreamer, as an Asian American, as a Christian, I beg of you – do not stay silent. Your silence is deafening and your indifference is painful. Please support and be there for your hurting community members.

Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust

I have sat in front of a blinking cursor and blank screen for quite a while now sifting my brain for the “right” thing to say. Well, I’m realizing that that’s the beauty about blog posts and the reason I made this site to begin with, is that I don’t have to say the “right” things; I can say what’s on my mind exactly as it comes and not really have to worry about it. Well then, here goes nothing.

I am undocumented. 

I’ve never been one to shy away from telling people this and I’ve never hidden this fact, but it’s a completely different thing entirely to state it out in the open like this. To be quite honest, I don’t know if this post will ever even see the light of day {but if it does and you’re reading it, welcome!}

Honestly, the more and more I read and see articles and posts about DACA all over my Facebook feed and online, I’m encouraged. There are so many people that are standing together supporting this program that provides me with the opportunities and the ability to pursue my dreams {as cheesy as this sounds}. But at the same time, there are so many rude, ignorant, and just plain hurtful comments and articles that I see that make me worry and quite frankly, simply put, mad. So here goes my little rant {feel free to skip it}.

My parents and I did NOT come to the United States illegally. We came legally. But when you uproot a tiny family of three, grow it to five, and are barely making ends meet to support that family, it’s really difficult to find the finances and the time to pursue the road to citizenship. So my parents did what they could; they renewed visa after visa for years because the requirements that needed to be met to become a permanent resident or citizen, could not be met by us financially or circumstantially. My parents had opportunities, but sometimes life just works out in a way that those avenues don’t end up panning out the way you expected. How can you blame these people for what circumstances brought upon them when all they tried was to be legal and to pursue the best possible life for themselves and their children? 

My parents and I pay taxes. My parents are two of THE hardest working people I know and it enrages me that some people have the audacity to think that they sit on their butts just accepting government “hand-outs” without doing anything. I promise you, MOST immigrants do NOT do that. They are the ones that work tirelessly to support their families and honestly, do the jobs other people won’t. My dad knows so much about so many different industries because he’s worked in multiple different positions; wherever work was available to support my family and me. Why is it so difficult for some people to see that?

Okay, deep breath. {end of rant}.

All this to say, I thought I was okay. But I realized I’m a little more upset than I initially thought {hence this rant of a blog post.} But! At the same time, being the eternal optimist I am, I would like to say that I will be okay. I know that a good majority of this country that I live in and believe in understand me and the 800,000 others like me. I have faith in my God who is SO much greater than me, or the current executive office, or the current legislative branch. I {am trying desperately and praying for me to} have trust in the people that this country has elected and put into positions of power; that God will grant them the wisdom and the compassion to enact a new legislative option or to protect the current option that has been placed before them. And a little pixie dust to ease the worries and anxiety wouldn’t be all that bad either. 

To all those who are affected by this recent change in legislation, keep your head up! You’re most definitely not alone. To all those who know someone affected by this recent change in legislation, it never hurts to let them know you’re praying/supporting them. {Shoutout to my friends that have talked to me and encouraged me <3}. All it takes is a little faith, trust, and pixie dust…to help all of us get through this together. 

An Allergy to Failure

It is okay to fail…it really, truly is. 

Something that I am learning and truly trying to come to terms with lately is this idea of failure. What is considered as a failure is different to everyone, but whatever it is that is considered as a failure for you, the idea of it is most likely not very pleasant because usually, failure is never positively connotated. I know that’s the case for me. 

A dear friend recently told me, “You know Eunice, it’s okay to fail. But this generation seems to have an allergy to failure. It’s to the point that even the thought of failure causes an allergic reaction.” As she said this to me, I realized, that she was so very right. I am so so very afraid of failure that yes, even at the mere thought of failure, I get anxiety and don’t know how to handle myself. Especially recently, with graduation rapidly approaching, I feel as if I’m not going at the pace of everyone else around me and that if I slip up, even a little, it’s pretty much the end of the world {okay maybe not that dramatic, but pretty terrible; you get the idea}. 

But in the midst of this struggle and crippling fear of failure, I was reminded of God’s overflowing and abundant grace. I was reminded of His unfathomable love for me that loves me exactly as I am, as I was, and as I will be. I was reminded that God delights even in the midst of my failure. Also, what I deem to be failure through my narrow minded view of this world, is not necessarily always failure to God; and even through what I consider to be failures, God works because He always works for my good!! Because of that knowledge, I am slowly overcoming this allergy to failure that I have because I’m coming to terms with the fact that failure is okay. There is soooo much peace and liberating freedom in fully trusting my life to my Heavenly Father and I am slowly {but surely!} learning that. 

So I just want to encourage you, if you’re still reading and you’re anything like me and deathly allergic to failure and even the thought of it, it’s totally okay to fail. Because trust me when I say, even in the midst of what you consider to be your failure, God will bring good things out of it! And even in your failure, He delights in you! 

{Note: None of this to say that you shouldn’t ever try hard or be diligent in anything, but don’t get too hung up on the little setbacks and don’t let the idea of failure at something stop you from pursuing anything!}

Here’s to…the Introverts

I’m an introvert.

Apparently that is very shocking to many people? I think I’ve definitely gotten a lot better than when I was in high school, but I still don’t consider myself extroverted so it confuses me that people are confused. But anywho, regardless, I absolutely enjoy my alone time and really actually do need it to recharge after large group settings.

That being said, I also feel very out of place in large group settings. Very. And by large, I mean groups that are bigger than about 5 people. It’s usually not as bad if I have someone that I’m close to that I can stick with amidst the jumble of people {i.e. my best friend C hehe love you} but a lot of times, I don’t really have that one person.

I’m a part of a relatively large campus ministry called KCM at my school. I’ve been a part of it since my freshman year and it’s awesome and I love it, but because it is a larger group, it’s kind of difficult for me sometimes. Even though you see everyone so often, because it’s such a large group, it’s pretty hard to get close to everyone and it ends up mostly being a “Hi, how are you? Long time no see! Good? Good. {awkward silence} Oh I need to go say hi to someone else. Okay bye!” Or something along those lines of small talk. Even if you do meet up, due to classes and busy schedules, it usually ends up being like once or twice a quarter and it’s really easy to not follow up and just let that end there.

So what exactly is my point here? I’m not quite sure actually. I just know that I’ve been feeling pretty out of place lately, more often than usual, especially in a setting where I thought I definitely fit in and that’s been a tad difficult. But I think a lot of that has to do more with my personality and my self consciousness. I think I’m slowly growing aware of the fact that I may not always feel quite comfortable in certain settings but that’s okay.

The Little Things

It’s the little things that really matter…

Pretty cliche but just something that has been on my mind this past weekend. On Friday, as I was leaving my first 8AM of this quarter, {sigh, unfortunately it could not be avoided} I saw a slightly elderly man fixing his helmet and then rev away on his motor scooter. I don’t know why but I thought that this was absolutely adorable and it put a smile on my face. After that, because I was just in a good mood, as I was walking back to my car, I passed an older woman who, when she saw me smile when we briefly made eye contact in passing, gave me a big smile back too!

Those small seemingly insignificant incidents made me quite happy and just got me thinking that yes, even those seemingly little things do matter and can make a difference. So smile! You really do never know how it could brighten up someone else’s day ^^

I’m Not Ready, but That’s Okay

I start school on the 22nd…I move into my new apartment on the 19th {hopefully}…and I am absolutely, positively, not ready. It’s senior year of college and I am not ready…

^That was a draft that I started back in the beginning of the school year and that pretty much accurately sums up how I was feeling. Anxious, nervous, scared, ridiculously worried and yet, here I am, one quarter of senior year done and another well on its way to being in full swing, and I am surprisingly at peace.

Rewind one quarter and two days to the beginning of fall quarter – I moved into my new apartment in Westwood after two years of commuting from home nervous and excited to finally be back near campus. I honestly had no idea what to expect because for the first time in forever, I was sharing a living space with {sort of not really} strangers. My honest thoughts at the time? I was kind of scared that I might not get along with any of my apartment mates or that I would end up secretly disliking them or something along those lines. Fast forward to today – I am absolutely in LOVE with my each and every single one of my apartment mates. All four of them are absolutely amazing in their own unique way and they’re great {I will write another blog post about apartment life in the near future}. I honestly have NO idea why I was so worried and scared to live with them and now, I don’t think I would want to live alone.

Rewind again to the beginning of fall quarter and you will see me nervously and anxiously tearing myself apart {mentally and internally} because I am absolutely petrified of senior year. I had absolutely NO idea what I was going to do after I graduated {honestly I’m still not that sure} and for the first time ever in my life, I was unsure of where I would be and what  I would be doing in the next year and that scared the living daylights out of me. Fast forward to me as  I am currently writing this blog post and I still don’t know, but the difference? I am okay with that {or am actively trying to be}.

So what is the drastic difference between beginning of senior year/fall quarter Eunice and currently starting winter quarter/almost done with senior year {oh dear God what.} Eunice? I think the difference is my mentality and faith in God. I literally have not done anything different and there isn’t some foolproof formula to getting your life together that I found that magically made everything better; if anything things are a bit more scary now than they were 4 months ago, BUT! my trust in God has increased exponentially. I’ve learned that honestly, as much of a cliche as it is, everything will be okay. Because He’s got my back. Obviously I still have to actively work for what  I want and put in the effort, but now, there is an overwhelming peace and joy that I have in knowing that whatever happens will turn out ultimately in line with His plan for me and so I’m {still} not ready, but that’s totally okay.